Christmas is a women’s issue: A magazine review

Never have I found such a division between the sexes as I did when I perused the magazine rack this December.

GQ was highlighting how to dress for success when interviewing, Wired pondered the Future of Food, Discover interviewed Stephen Hawking, while Fine Woodworking communed with drawers. The CLOSEST any men’s magazine came was a cover teaser for Best new Gear, Gadgets and Getaways on Men’s Health (done in tasteful blue and black).

Moving over to the women’s section, every cover was emblazoned with green and red…and numbers. Paula Deen gave us 105 recipes, tips and ideas to Celebrate the Season, and House Beautiful had a tasteful green circle with an understated 101 Stocking Stuffers.

Better Homes & Gardens upped the ante with 249 easy ideas for the holidays, but was trumped by Rachel Ray who gave us 368 recipes and tips for FUN, FAST & EASY holiday (hey, whattadeal!) Not to be outdone, Woman’s Day won the cake with 385 ideas to Afford the Holiday You Want.

That did it. I couldn’t resist. I got 10 of the longest lived Women’s magazines, and here, 1916 pages and 17 blow-ins later, are the best and the worst of this season’s holiday ideas, brought to you with the complements of my friend and yours, Madison Avenue.

First, some general comments. I was surprised when I looked just at the ads. The magazines that seemed targeted at lower income folks, such as Woman’s Day and Good Housekeeping, had the highest number of prescription ad inserts—sometimes a dozen or more per issue. Are poorer folk sicker or just more gullible in the editors’ opinion?

All of the magazines had car ads, which surprised me. Chevy was going for the ecological bent—on one back cover there wasn’t a car picture in their ad at all, just some green leaves! (Maybe we’ll get scared off if we actually see a real automobile?!)

And for Christmas issues, did you expect to see full page spreads on ovens, or washing machines, or vacuum cleaners? I can just picture it: Honey, look what I got you for Christmas, just what you always wanted…

Diversity is coming along a little better than a decade ago. Oprah’s magazine is the most representative, but half of the others have 6 or more pages with women of color represented. Believe it or not, that IS an improvement. Asian-Americans seem to be the new token culture: I found only TWO ads with this ethnic identity in all 10 magazines.

Guys, eat your hearts out. Animals were better represented than you were! Sorry! Animal ads also seemed to be demographically represented: the pet food commercials in mid-America magazines showcased mutts and pound kitties, whereas House Beautiful, that doyen of all things cultural, featured a Springer Spaniel in a wainscoted library and a pure-bred Maine Coon cat.

Lotsa kid pictures, of course, but they seemed to show up more in the mags that had lots of prescription drug ads. A sop to grandmothers?

O-Oprah’s Magazine was the biggest (280 pages), beating out Real Simple with 260 pages. But Oprah cheated in my book, because 26 of her pages were a thinly disguised Sam’s Club catalog.

Let’s take the high road of culture first and then hit the low.

House Beautiful. Highest income demographics seemed to be House Beautiful. THEIR car ad was of a Mercedes, and their decorating ideas were over the top. One suggested getting a dozen or so miniature antique fabric stockings to hang on the mantle (At $45 or so a pop).

Their decorator spread was done by a gentlemen who had done the Tiffany windows for 12 years. His most exuberant concept was for a garland draped mirror (antique, of course) incorporating over 60 red, green, and chartreuse feathers. In my household, that would last until the first cat discovered same.

They skimped a little with one article, just having readers send in pictures of their own decorations, complete with little comments such as, “Here is my tree which I decorate for the 400 guests I usually have at my Christmas party every year.” Or, “I participate in the lighting ceremony on Park Avenue and view it through the terrace windows, so I don’t bother with much decorating. But here is a picture of the wreath on my front door.”

Score -10 for HB for snobbishness on Christmas.

Paula Deen. If HB is the Haute culture, then Paula Deen may be on a somewhat lower road. In the 98 pages of her magazine, she managed to squeeze in 40 pictures of herself. She was smiling in all but one.

Her magazine features concise descriptions such as “y’all,” ‘finger lickin’”, “yummy” and her best friends are Bubba and Bubbles. No! I am serious! Those really were their names.

Paula gets the prize for the most overdecorated tree: “I took all the red ribbon I could find and draped and tucked it all over. Then I added tons of glitter branches, feathers and beaded garlands.”

But you gotta give her credit for trying. She knows who she is. “I think my decorating is a lot like my cooking. If a little is good, then more has to be better!”

Give Paula baby a +10 for effort.

Everyday with Rachel Ray. Rachel Ray’s contribution, Everyday Holiday had the most positive cover, promising (in addition to the Fun, Fast, and Easy mentioned above), Stress-free Menus, instant cocktails, foolproof turkey, and irresistible cookies, PLUS the Ultimate Party Planner for your Best Season ever! Hey Rachel, come on to my house, come on, come on.

Her magazine was the most commercial free, and in addition had the best drink menus and turkey 101 features of them all. Hey, any magazine that gives you a recipe for creamy tomato vodka soup and Bourbon glazed bbq turkey can’t be all bad. My only caveat emptor would be the $. It was $9.99. But darn well worth it.

Give Rachel a score of three turkeys and a partridge in a pear tree.

O-Oprah’s Magazine. Oprah’s issue had to be the one with the most substance. Her cover promised Celebrating with More Meaning, Surviving Family Fatigue and Party Panic, and Getting through the Season without Gaining an Ounce. (Editorial truth in advertising: She delivered on all but the last.)

Oprah had the best ending comment of all of the magazines:

Our spending and greed for material things we think will define us have been forceably put in check. We have a chance to look beneath the surface into our culture of excessive more, more, more that got us in this mess.

She closes with a quote from the 17th cent Japanest poet, Masahide:

Barn’s burnt down

Now I can see the moon.

Oprah gets a +2 for sincerity and a -2 for all the ads negating her message.

The Best of Christmas. The award for best eye candy and most simplistic instructions has to go to another expensive ($7.99) mag, The Best of Christmas.

A sample: To make a door decoration, they tell you to “Build wreath, put on sprigs of other greenery, add fruit and berries.” That’s all, folks. Or to make the illustrated arrangement of roses: “Remove leaves from stems. In one hand create bouquest by adding one rose at a time in clockwise fashion. Wrap floral wire around stems to hold in place.”

They did have the absolute best cake of all time, a 6 layer white chocolate and raspberry creation.

BoC Score: +25 for yummy.

(But, please, next year, no 8-page spreads about the Rockettes or making a centerpiece with a real stuffed peacock. OK?)

Real Simple. Real Simple is not real simple. This magazine is a catalog with lotsa pictures. Bloated. The real message is not Christmas, but ’spend money.’ For example, you could buy a motorcycle helmet motorized pencil sharpener for only $42. Or they give you the tip you can save 25% if you buy your winter gear in March. Duh. Well, yeah.

OK, now that I have got that out of my system…THEIR car ads, by contrast to many of the other magazines were gritty industrial settings or deserts with dust blowing or cars parked next to jet engines. I am not sure what message we were supposed to be getting from that.

One factoid I found fascinating was in a non-profit ad: Chances of a child growing up to be an Olympian: 1 in 28,500. Chances of a child being diagnosed with Austism: 1 in 150. Hmmm.

They did have one gem I’d like to pass on, and that is the volunteer program to send needed articles to troops overseas: Most requested items: nutrition bars, ground coffee, flavor packets for water, DVDs, AT&T calling cards…go to soldiersangels.org.

RS Score: +5 for the guys (and gals) overseas.

Better Homes & Gardens. Better Homes & Gardens seemed to have the most creative spread. Certainly their featured Christmas house had the most unique color combination: turquoise and orange!

They also had an interesting article on making the ice luminarias. Stunning creations.

BH&G also had a good article on Christmas letters offered these tips: keep it to one page, focus on only 1-2 high points, don’t brag, use humor, and put in a hand written note about why this particular Christmas is special. Sounds good to me.

BH&G Score: +25 for practicality.

Ladies’ Home Journal. Ladies’ Home Journal was a disappointment. Although their cover had a big picture of Christmas cookies, Christmas was given only a nod and a wink inside the magazine. Much of their coverage went to articles on insomnia, slashing your heating bill, how not to be shy and save your marriage. Same ol’, same ol’.

In addition, those great cookies on the front could ONLY be made if you bought their special cookie cutters. A big no-no. Too bad. Ya coulda been a contender.

Score -452 for LHJ for bait and switch tactics.

Good Housekeeping. Good Housekeeping had the best introductory editorial comments:

Here is what I’m concentrating on this year: hugging my daughter, telling my husband how much I love him, letting it go when I see the silver is slightly tarnished, the centerpiece isn’t quiet working or the ribbon doesn’t exactly match the wrapping paper. More important, finding time-outs in the December rush to remember the miracle I’m celebrating.

Way to go, Rosemary.

They had a good article on Christmas cards. We are down to sending only 1.9 billion of them last year. Sorry, Hallmark! The average family gets about 20 of them. More and more people are sending New Year’s cards, because they don’t get around in time to send some for Christmas. Or even Valentine’s Day cards are even better. (Visit overstock.com in January for your cards for next year.)

Best tip: If you make a conscious effort to recall your LAST meal before you sit down to a holiday buffet, you’ll eat less.

Worst idea: Making a wreath from old ties. Have you EVER seen a guy willing to part with even ONE of his old ties?

You will be happy to know that the Better Crocker Ultimate fudge supreme brownie mix beat out Ghiradelli Double Chocolate Brownies in their taste test and yes, got the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval. (and mine!)

GH Score: +67 for consistency.

Martha Stewart Living. Martha Stewart Living had Martha-isms such as a Gentle Reminder to wrap your presents as soon as you got them and tips for organizing your gift paperwork with specially handcrafted files for receipts (gift and non-gift), guarantees, and instructions. Oh, yes, she’s back!

I was disappointed to note that although she had pictures of reindeer and pandas, that her own menagerie of French bulldogs, hens, Himalayan cats and assorted other critters did not make an appearance this issue.

Most useful tool: A gadget that opens cans, jars, AND those “annoying plastic package wrappings.”

Most persistent ad: Pleasures by Estee Lauder. The scent permeated three reams of paper the magazine was sitting on. We were not amused.

Most interesting fact: 8962 people making snow angels simultaneously in Bismark, ND set a world record. Well, hey, what ELSE can you do in Bismark in the winter? (Don’t answer that.)

Most time wasting suggestion: Making lace cutouts in sugar cookies with aspic cutters.

Martha Stewart Living had the best cookie recipes. I love cookies.

MSL Score: +10,000.

Summary. And there you have it. This year’s best from the women in the know. It was an interesting adventure, but I doubt I’ll go down that memory lane again anytime soon.

I feel like I’ve overdosed on too many Christmas sugar cookies, cherry glazed ham, french fried angel cake, chocolate eggnog, pumpkin bread pudding with fresh chestnut butter, maple caramel sauce, German chocolate pecan pie…burp!

Time for a nap.

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